Mental Health Stigmatization: We Are The Problem

Today I had a real talk with my friend Sarah about mental illness and how frustrating it is when people misuse terms that are very real to people who suffer from severe mental health issues.

When we (yes, I am definitely guilty of this as well) use these phrases, not only do we completely ignore the actual issue at hand but we learn to gloss over the real problems that people face. By misusing, and over using, these phrases we are lessening the severity of the issues and further stigmatizing mental health in a society where we can't seem to stop.

This is really important to me because as I've written about before, I really struggle with a severe anxiety disorder and depression. And when I hear these things I feel like my mental health is a joke, which only makes it harder for me to both seek help and talk about what is often going on with me. It makes it even more upsetting to me that I find myself saying some of these things when I don't mean them. It is something that I really want to work on and want to invite you to join me in.

Here are SOME (not even close to all) of the phrases that I am talking about: (and of course, these phrases have appropriate uses, as in you actually feel a way or are struggling with said mental illness)

"I'm going to need therapy after this"--It's one of those phrases we find funny. But going to therapy is hard enough as it is. To joke about it only makes it that much harder.

"I'm so ADD/ADHD/OCD right now"--We do not all have these mental illness, but if we all suffered from them to the extent of which we wrongly use these terms the world would be a scary place. We all have trouble focusing, we all get restless, we all like things to be in some degree of order, but these mental health issues are more severe than that and by using them in such common place, we invalidate those who actually suffer from them.

"I had an anxiety attack over it"--This one is really hard. It is totally possible to have anxiety about something without having an anxiety disorder. But Anxiety attacks normally only happen if you suffer from an anxiety disorder. It's important to know the difference.

"I'd rather kill myself"--Using this phrase is highly problematic yet most of us have said it. Of course we don't mean that we would rather take our own life than do some activity or go somewhere or talk to someone, yet that is exactly what we say. When we over hear this phrase it gives us permission to not take people seriously when they say that and we also start laughing at it. Suicide is no laughing matter, as we all know, yet we are quick to giggle when it's used off-handedly.

"I'm so depressed"--used a lot to mean very sad. But depression is so much more than sadness. It's something that eats at you and slowly takes away who you are. So when people say they are so depressed about something, it allows us to see depression as something less than the disease it actually is.

"It gave me a panic attack"--Did it? Or did it make you nervous? Because those are two very different things. Panic attacks are disabling bouts of severe anxiety. Getting nervous (or even really nervous) over something is not a panic attack.

We tend to see these phrases as harmless since they are so commonplace in our conversations.

But if we really want to fight stigmatization we have to stop using them so nonchalantly.

I am pledging to cut these words/phrases out of my vocabulary (accept when they are true ). Will you join me?

A Halloween Reminder: A Lesson in Autonomy

Just a reminder that just because it is Halloween, you do not have permission to:

~Take pieces of people's costume without permission. This applies especially to pieces that are attached or in pockets. You must ask. You cannot just reach into someone's pocket at take something. This also applies to wands, tiaras, wigs, coats, accessorites (AKA everything).

~Play with people's costumes without permission: Do not grab their wings, play with their hair or head pieces, play with trains or long bottom pieces of the costume.

~Don't take people's picture without permission.

~Don't catcall people.

~Don't touch people because they are in costume: This applies to pinching cheeks, ass, or any other body parts, rubbing their back, playing with their hair, feeling their costume, etc.

Just ask permission. Just because it is Halloween, people do not give up their autonomy. They still have the right to govern their bodies how they chose. Remember that you don't know someone's situation and you don't know how uncomfortable they may be.

This applies to all age groups too...whether you have trick-or-treaters coming to your door, you are trick-or-treating, or are at some sort of costume party.

America has a Gun Problem, and we Need to Change That.

Note: I would really appreciate it you read this in its entirity before you comment on my position on gun control laws, thank you.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this recenetly. Before I get into it I want to make one thing explicitly clear from the start: I don't think guns are bad. I don't want to put an end to the second amendment. I don't think people who own guns are bad people.

But I do think America has a gun problem and I do think we need more/stronger gun restrictions. 

Being in London has given me a different angle on this situation. As the news broke of the tragic shooting at UCC, the people in London were shocked that America hasn't tightened laws in the past couple of years; especially seeing as America is averaging one school shooting a week this year alone. 

The UK (with the exception of Northern Ireland) has banned handguns following a school shooting (the first and last in the UK) in 1996. Since then, they have only had one mass shooting, period. Their police are normally unarmed (yet are trained and able to use them when necessary). From 2000/01 to 2010/11 only three police officers have been fatally shot. In the UK you may still own a rifle or shotgun with the proper liscensing, but the screening processes are intense.

I am not saying that America needs to adopt this policy. There is a differnt culture and the constitution lays out the right to bear arms,. 

So what can be done? 

There are way to tighten gun restrictions without taking away the right to bear arms. For instance, limiting the number of guns people can own, putting a longer wait period on getting a gun, raising the minimum age to own a gun, stronger mental health care, stronger laws getting black market guns out of the picture, banning assault weapons other than in the military, harsher punishment for gun violence and illegal gun possession, and strict enforcement of gun safetly. And that's just some.

I've been thinking about the arguements I've seen on facebook the past couple of days about gun violence/gun restrictions and I would just like to take a minute to break them down some, from my point of view. 

"People kill People": Yes, this is true. But I would argue that if someone tried to commit a mass murder with a knife they would get significantly less far than with a gun. Guns give the opportunity for a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Not to mention it is significantly easier to kill someone with a gun on accident than with a knife or blunt object having no extra training.

"We need stronger mental health care": WELL OBVIOUSLY. This is something people have been working on for years. But, there is a difference between neededing stronger mental health care and blaming mass shootings on "mental health issues". By blaming mental health we further stigmas of mental health issues and scare more people into not getting help. Roughly 1 in 5 Americans suffer from mental health disorders. Most don't have violent tendencies so let's nip that in the butt right now.

In a country that values our freedoms, as laid out in the constitution (yes, me too) we cannot argue that it was "written many many years ago" because then we need to be willing to give up all of our rights that we cherish.

I am a strong supporter of the right to bear arms, when, and only when it's appropriate (aka not just because we can). We do not have to take guns away to change our culture. But we do need to change the way we do things.

We CANNOT let this continue. We NEED stricter gun laws. We cannot pretend like this is not an issue any more. We cannot hope it isn't going to happen again because we've had over 140 school shootings since Sandy Hook in 2012. We have to change. We have to do something. We can't leave things as they are and expect them to change...that's one of the definitions of insanity (Thank you Stephen Colbert for that perfect sumation of insanity). 

Never Tell Someone to "Move On" When They Lose Someone They Love

These past two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I lost one of my best friends; a member of my OG squad. Someone that meant the world to me. Someone who left me notes in my dorm room when she visited. Someone who drew me pictures at camp to remind me that I was loved. Someone who googled Sandra Day O'Connor at 3am with me and neither one of us have a recollection of why.

Needless to say, this loss has been hard on me and hard on the other people who loved her just as much. It has dominated a lot of my thoughts, my decisions, my pictures, my tweets, and sometimes my conversations. And sometimes that's okay. Sometimes I need to talk about it and let it out. I want to remember the good times I've had with her and keep her memory alive.

Today, someone made a comment to me that it seemed to be all I talked about and that I should "move on" with my life. "You talk about it too much and it's annoying. What about the rest of us that are still here?" (exact words)

At first, I was angry and then I thought about it and thought that maybe this person was right. Do I pay attention to my other friends/family memembers lives?

But the more I sat on it, the more I realized how heinous this comment was.

While this has been a major part of my life recently, it's perfectly normal to still talk about it, and post pictures and miss her. She was a huge part of my life for 5 years. That will never change. She will always be the first friend I made at camp, my camp wife, my official Taco Bell Date, the person who approved all of my significant others, face timed with me so I didn't have to drive by myself, even though she couldn't hear half of what I was saying.

But, losing her made me realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. I've learned how to love harder, be more vocal with how I feel about people, say I love you more, hug tighter, and treat each moment as a gift. I now remind people that they are important to me, reach out to people when times are tough and just say I love you because that's all you can do. I try harder to be there for people, praise their accomplishments, help them up if they fall, or bash their exes because that's what they need. I hold them a little tighter on the bad days, I try harder to be there for them when they need me becasue it has taught me about my priorities.

And most of all, I love unconditionally. I give all my love to those I love because every moment I get with them is a gift, a gift that can be taken at any moment.

So yes, I will still talk about her, and yes, when I find pictures she's drawn for me or vines of us driving on the grass, or pictures of the two of us I will post them on social media, and yes, I will tweet that I still miss her and think about her, and yes I will visit her everytime I'm home, and yes I will definitely hold her memory close to my heart. I will still be reminded of her everytime I drive because she helped name her. I will think of her every time I pass a Taco Bell because we used to celebrate TBT (Taco Bell Thursday). I will get her handwriting tattooed on my arm as a constant physical reminder that she is always with me. I will talk to her when I drive. I will see her in the sunset and in McDonald's french fries. Wing Night will always be date night.

But I will never move on.

When you lose someone you love, you shouldn't ever move on. Grief stays with you for a long time and manifests in many ways. And somedays seem easier while other's make you want to sleep all day.

So please be cautious when talking with people. Remember how words affect everyone differently, just as loss does and remember that it is okay to keep their memory alive while you keep living.

Get Over it....A Poem About Anxiety

So as you guys know, I tend to talk about anxiety a lot because it is something that is very important to me.

The other day I was having a panic attack and someone said to me "Oh get over it, it's just anxiety" which only made it worse.  I didn't really know how to respond to it, so I started writing and writing and ended up writing this poem to explain how I was feeling in that moment.

It's called "Get Over It".

A reminder that all people handle anxiety differently and each case is unique, but this has been my experience with it. For a long time it was something I didn't want to talk about, but now I feel like I have to talk about it if I want people to understand.

Here are some of my tips for handling anxiety.

1. Always ask what the person needs. Never assume they want to be held or want water or whatever the case may be. You should be cautious to what they need.

2. Remember being anxious is different than anxiety. Often feeling anxious is manageable while having anxiety becomes reckless and uncontrollable.

3. Yes it isn't logical and yes I know that so you telling me that isn't helping. I get it. I should be able to calm down, but I can't and I don't need you to remind me of it.

4. Please don't refer to it as "just anxiety". That makes me feel super conscious that I am ruining something or being a burden, only making my anxiety worse.

5. Please don't point it out to everyone around you. I really don'y want a ton of people around and already am embarrassed if I'm in public.

6. "You'll be fine" , "Calm Down" "Shhh" and baby talk are not helping the situation.

7. Please try not to say I understand because even with other people who have anxiety, every situation is unique.

8. Just be as comforting as possible and try to do whatever you can.

9. Never make yourself uncomfortable. If you can't handle it in that moment or in that situation, that's okay. Self-protection is important!

10. Let's talk the next day. Check in, see how I'm doing, try to find out what happened, but if I don't want to talk, please try not to push. It goes from helpful to harmful.

Those seem very particular and they are. Those are just tips for if you see me having anxiety, but once again every situation is different.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and talk about anxiety. It's important.

And Then I Stopped Talking About It: My Privilege Kept Me Quiet

Many of us have been shaken by the video that emerged from the pool party in McKinney, Texas this weekend. If you haven't seen it, here is the link, but fair warning, it's pretty graphic (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpWP8aMcOo8).

While I could go on and on talking about the many problems in this video, I really want to focus on something a little different. Privilege. This has gotten me staring in the eyes of my privilege, questioning how I can use it to make a difference.

Like most young adults, social media is a major part of my life. When I first saw this video on Sunday night, I immediately shared in on my Facebook and tweeted that I was horrified.

And then I stopped talking about it.

All of Monday, I worked. I worked on spreadsheets, I bar tended, I watch the US vs. Australia women's soccer game, I watched the Blackhawks play the Lightning, and all throughout this, I was active on social media. Here are just some the posts I made:

I sent the following link to a friend:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/rugby-war-goddess#.otzzWNNMm2

Thing I worried about:

-the Pad Thai I wanted for lunch, 

-whether or not I would get wet when I walked outside and if it would ruin my computer.

-someone not texting me back. 

-baby pandas not making it to the tree in a youtube video

-who would win a hockey game. 

Here is what I didn't worry about:

-Getting thrown to the ground and being held down by a man twice my size

-Walking through Target and getting followed

-Seeing a cop and feeling like I've done something wrong just for being there

-Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, even if I was invited there 

So why didn't I worry about these things? It's simple, really.

I didn't have to. 

I don't have to. I will never understand what it's like to feel those things or to worry about those things because of the color of my skin. There may be instances in my life where I'm put into one of these situations, yes, but it is not an every day fear I have. And if I ever do find myself in a position like this, it will never be because of the color of my skin.

If I was there, at that pool party, I would have been treated like the white teen filming the whole incident. The one who was also clearly ignoring police instructions to stay on the other side of the road, yet was allowed to roam free and video tape. Never once was he touched, forced to the ground or handcuffed. Never once was he questioned by, or used to make an example by that officer. 

So what can I do about it? I'm not sure. I know I can recognize it and that is the first step. But it's using that privilege to do something that matters. 

Instead of making the obligatory post with the video and my outrage at the situation and a single tweet about how horrified I was, I should have kept talking about it.

Instead of tweeting about how much anxiety read receipts give me, I should have tweeted about how much anxiety Dejerria Becton had and would continue to have.

Instead of tweeting about not being able to sleep I should have tweeted about the nightmares these teenagers who had a gun pulled on them would have for the rest of their lives.

Instead of links about women's rugby I should have shared the links talking about how race was a major player in this incident. 

Instead of staying silent, I should have kept talking. 

An Open Letter to the Man Who Called Me Princess at the Bar

Not too long ago, me and my friends were throwing a going away party for our friend at her favorite bar before she moved away for her job. It was a bit crowded and I was trying to get from the door to the table my friends were positioned at. On my way I tapped a lady on the shoulder and said excuse me but she didn't hear me so I said it again and her friend, grabbed her arm and said "Make way, Gay Princess coming through". She moved aside and laughed and I made my way to the bar.

Now, I normally don't pay any attention to comments that are made like that but this one really irked me. I couldn't let it go all night and have been thinking of all sorts of things I would like to say to that man. 

To the man who called me a princess at the bar,

First of all, thank you. I'm glad you noticed the air of dignity and importance that I carry around with me at all times. If my posture was impeccable and my manners superb, I'm glad you caught on to the fact that I am indeed royalty. And I didn't even have to wear my tiara. 

I guess my dead giveaway was the pink bandanna I had tied around my head, clearly a sign of a "gay princess". If you hadn't noticed, all my friends two tables over (my ladies in waiting) were all wearing matching ones. 

I guess you weren't thinking when you addressed me, as you forgot to bow to me and address me as your excellency as I passed by you. But I guess I shouldn't expect anything more from a poor peasant who only drinks Miller lite. 

Now let's set one thing straight, no matter who runs the royal court, it is not your place nor mine to comment on someone that we don't know, especially when making assumptions about complete strangers. I don't know if you didn't think I would hear you or if you thought I wouldn't care, but I wanted you to know that I did hear you and I do care.

Why does it matter, you may ask.

Because ignorance is what still keeps frightened teenagers in the closet. The closet is a safe space where they are free to be themselves without fear of being belittled and called names when trying to make their way through a bar. Perhaps "gay princess" was the jeer that they heard every day from the kids they went to high school with, or that they found scrawled across their gym locker junior year or even from their own father as they found each day they went on living harder and harder and more and more dangerous. 

It is what makes it so difficult for athletes to come out because we make a huge celebration of something that should be normalized and then make fun of the way they kick, or throw the ball and drop them from two teams and then from life all together. 

It's what makes people suppress and suppress until they feel like they are no longer worth the fight and they attempt to take their own life and either succeed or fail and realize that they have to keep going in a world that does not accept them. 

It matters because it's small comments like this that people hear everyday that make it not safe and not okay to be who they are and to express themselves the way they want too.

I'm sorry if my pink bandanna offended you on a personal level or if because I said excuse me instead of pushing my way through your friends gave you some personal vendetta against me. 

But please think before you speak because your words have a huge effect on those around you. When you see someone in a bar who may not look like your man's man, let's start by respecting those who can express themselves and try everyday to be strong and let words like your's roll off their backs and not take them back to a place where they are not welcome.

Sincerely,

Andrew

Why We Need #QuestionsForMen or Right, Because Casual Sexism Doesn't Exist

So the hash tag "#questionsformen" is trending. From what I understand, this hash tag, started by Clementine Ford, was put out into the world on the basis that most hardships that women face in day to day life stem from male oppression/casual sexism. I would argue that this is extremely true.

And if you think for a second that casual sexism doesn't exist, you should just stop reading this now. Because I don't even  have the time to explain to you how wrong you are.

I woke up this morning on all across my Facebook feed were people saying how they have never had as much attention, and negative attention, from a single tweet. So I looked at these tweets and they are my friends sharing their stories and experiences just trying to show the casual sexism that exists in our world and how they've faced it in their day to day lives.

So I wanted to see what would happen if I posted on this hash tag. I tweeted "#Questionsformen Why is it okay for you to attack people for posting their stories? Why is ok for you to say they are lying?" because I really wanted to know.What gives anyone permission to attack another human being for something that happened TO them. What makes it okay to say that something that happened TO someone is a lie? People aren't looking for sympathy. They are showing the extreme double standards in our society and the extreme casual sexism that exists.

And guess what...by attacking them for it on social media, you are only making it worse. You are proving exactly what they are showing  So in a way Thank you? Because your ignorance is showing exactly what the problem is. You are preaching "Not All Men" yet are being the men that are oppressing women for speaking out on something that is important to them. The double standard shows that hardships that women are facing, and it shows how most of these hardships are because of men. To not be able to share your story because you are afraid that MEN are going to attack you for it. I mean, that doesn't sound like anything else that happens everyday...definitely not like people being scared to report sexual assault or rape cases because of how men around them will react and stigmatize them.

Let me be clear: Men do get raped and do get sexually assaulted. Men do face hardships in life as well. But most of, if not all of those, are not because they are a man and not because of females.They are because of actions they take, words they say, ways they act, etc. They get mad at the systemic hardships they have...the system that was created by white men. The system that gives white men an extremely higher amount of privilege than any other group of people.

So let me leave you with one last #questionformen: When are we going to grow up, stop blaming generalization, recognize our privilege and use it to do something instead of attacking people on social media for the sole purpose of "not all men"?

10 Things You Should Always Do For Your Best Friend

School is back in session and it has been a great reminder of the wonderful people I have in my life. It got me thinking that there are so many things, big and small, that we do for our friends everyday.

Then there are things you do for your best friend that if anyone else asked you to do or expected you to do, it would be heinous and you would drop their friendship right there and then.

Here is my list of 10 super important things you should always do for you best friend.

10. Loan them your pillow.

If anyone asked you to borrow your pillow you would probably cringe and say "Ummmmmm how about no" because you don't really want their cooties. But when your best friend asks, you will run half way across campus clutching your pillow screaming "I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU" as if it is the most important task in the world. Because it is. They deserve that pillow.

9. Present Them Awards.

Now, you may not have the power to award an Oscar or a Grammy (and if you do, you better work it). But everyone deserves random awards. And as best friend, it's your job to present them. Maybe it's an award for "Most Likely to Fall Down the Stairs in Front of Your Crush"or maybe it's a "Lifetime Achievement Award in the Category of Bad-Assery" (both are copyrighted, by the way). It's important to remind them that they are the most important person in your life and that you want them to feel special.

8. Always Get Fast Food With Them.

It doesn't matter if you just ate or that you've had McDonald's 4 times this week already. They ask to go get fast food, you go. They probably need to talk about someone or something super important and need your opinion or just your ears for awhile, but they also want to eat that greasy, feel-good food. They called you for a reason. And hey, you are going to get some fries out of it too! (P.S. When your best friend asks you to get fast food, it's a no calorie meal, for both of you).

7. Always Watch Their Favorite Movies or TV Shows with Them When They Ask.

If you don't like Avatar, too bad. You've already seen every episode of Bob's Burgers? Oh well, you can watch it again. TV shows and movies hold great sentimental value to people. So if your best friend is craving watching A Walk To Remember, it means something to them. So you watch it. You share a bowl of popcorn (and tissues if necessary) and you have that moment together. It means way more to them then you know when you sit down, enjoy it and don't make a fuss about "another movie that you just hate".

6. Do Background Work on Potential Boyfriends.

This is essentially casually stalking, but legally? Any public forum that they have, you read up on. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin. All of them. You find them and make sure that they are acceptable matches for your best friend. Make sure that your friend is prettier than his/her ex. Make sure they aren't stupid. Make sure they are decent human beings. If it calls for it, casually stroll by their dorm and make sure they aren't pigs. Make sure they are a decent height for your best friend. But most of all, make sure they make your friend happy. If they do, even if you don't like them, shut your mouth until the time calls for you to open it.

5. Celebrate all of Their Victories.

They got out of bed? Celebrate. Perfect Exam Score? Celebrate. Get into Grad School? Celebrate. Transferring because it is what they need to do to be happy? Celebrate. Your friendship is important enough to celebrate. So celebrate everything.

4. Offer to Beat Up Their Exes.

If they are bigger then you, scarier then you, even if you know you can't reasonably take them, offer. It's what counts. Even if it means mentally beating the crap out of them, or playing a super strong social game around them, it is your duty to make sure that you take care of the exes. There is always a way to "accidentally" spill a beer on them, or "accidentally" whack them with your backpack. You got this.

3. Stay Awake with Them When it's Important.

If they knock on your door at 3:00 am and you just got in bed, you best believe it is your duty to stay awake with them, no matter what. They came to your room for a reason. You obviously mean something to them if they came to you out of everyone else on campus. Stay awake and laugh or cry or hate on people with them.Those are going to be the moments that you cherish the most.

2. Tell Them the Truth.

They most likely want to hear it, and if they don't, they know you are telling them with good intentions. You don't have to be rude, but you can tell them to calm down about a boy/girl. You can tell them they are reading into the Instagram post too much. You can tell them that their zipper is down or that their outfit doesn't match. Coming from anyone else, it may hurt their feelings, but they can always count on you to keep it real. On the same note, if anyone says something to your best friend (true or not) that is out of line, you have permission to curse them out and walk away.

1. Tell Them You Love Them.

Everyone needs to hear it, but you become family with best friend. It's important to make sure that they know how you feel. You can be mad and fight and you can even not talk to each other for a couple of days. You could be miles apart or you could be roommates. You could see them for 5 minutes or for 5 hours. No matter what, you have to let them know you love them. Without them you don't feel whole. They are your best friend; that is a bond that doesn't come often, so don't take advantage of it.

Share this with the people this list would apply too, I think it will make their day.

Still Searching: What Women Owe Men

Last night I was out with my friends at a local bar. It was karaoke night and we were having a beer and enjoying ourselves. One of my female friends was approached by a young man (a stranger), also having a good time and celebrating his birthday (as he told us when he sang). He engaged her in conversation and it was awkward right off the bat, but she made eyes at my friend and me, so we dragged her to the bar "to get another drink". She said goodbye and the man said "But wait it's my birthday."

Oh. I'm sorry.It's your birthday. That changes everything.

Because it's your birthday, she should stop hanging out with her friends and devote all her attention to you.

Because it's your birthday, she should let you dictate how the night is going to go.

Because it's your birthday, she should treat you like the king that you are.

Because it's your birthday, she should dedicate the night to making you happy.

Because it's your birthday, if you were to lean in for a kiss, she should let it happen.

Because it's your birthday, and the kiss turns into a hand here and hand there, she should just let it happen.

Because it's your birthday, if you asked her to go to the bathroom with you or home with you, she should say yes even though if it were any other night she would say no.

Because it's your birthday and you want to have sex, she should say yes because she owes you a birthday present anyway.

...How about no. This is how the situation should have gone:

Last night I was out with my friends at a local bar. It was karaoke night and we were having a beer and enjoying ourselves. One of my female friends was approached by a young man (a stranger), also having a good time and celebrating his birthday (as he told us when he sang). He engaged her in conversation and it was awkward right off the bat, but she made eyes at my friend and me, so we dragged her to the bar "to get another drink". She said goodbye and the man said "Goodbye, have a good night".

Because it's your birthday, she should do nothing. She should not have to stop her night because you want her too.

Because it's your birthday, she owes you nothing.

She owes you nothing. Ever.

Women owe men nothing. Ever.

Still Searching: What is Anxiety?

NOTE: Anxiety is different for each person who struggles with it. There are many different forms of anxiety and different ways to deal with it. This is how my anxiety has affected my life.

For those of you who know me, you know that anxiety is a huge part of my life, and has been for a very long time. I try my best to not let it define me and I try my best to keep it under control. The hardest part is having to explain what anxiety is, because I don't even really know myself. The dictionary defines anxiety as "a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome". While this definition starts to get at the very base, it barely scratches the surface.

The National Institute of Mental Health defines Generalized Anxiety Disorder as "All of us worry about things like health, money, or family problems. But people with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) are extremely worried about these and many other things, even when there is little or no reason to worry about them. They are very anxious about just getting through the day. They think things will always go badly. At times, worrying keeps people with GAD from doing everyday tasks."

This gets to it a little more, but still doesn't quite get there. I was talking to my mom about this over break and she asked me to define it. She said that she sees my posts of "lists of things that you should know about anxiety" or ones similar but she still doesn't understand what anxiety is. So here is a layman's list of what anxiety is to me.

Anxiety Is:

Not being able to get the mail after dark because of an irrational fear that something will pop out of the mailbox.

Not being able to make a decision because you are worried about how the outcome will affect you and others.

Sleeping with your wallet, cell phone, camera and anything else you find valuable just in case someone breaks in to your house in the middle of the night.

Checking to make sure no one is in the shower every time you go into the bathroom because it's happened in the movies one too many times.

Same goes for checking the back seat of your car before you drive, especially if you've been parked outside.

You can't get lost. It is literally the worst thing that could happen.

You refuse to go a way you are unfamiliar with because you don't want to get lost.

In fact, traveling at all is a problem. It means no sleep and tenseness because all you can think about is the many ways you could potentially die on your trip.

Getting a call from an unfamiliar number from your hometown is frightening because the only thing that pops to mind is that someone died or is really injured.

Dentist and other doctor's appointments are one of your own personal circles of hell because the news they could potentially give you is terrifying.

Minor OCD about things like clothes, dishes, cards, etc. And when things aren't in order, something is wrong.

Being late is not an option. People waiting for you makes you feel horrible.

Group projects are out because anything you do could affect another person's grade.

Or you end up taking control because if any little one thing goes wrong it's your fault.

You still blame yourself for that failed friendship 10 years ago.

In fact, while you lay awake at night, you recount every conversation you had with that person and painfully detail where it could have gone wrong...what you said or didn't say or did or felt or looked like, but no matter what, you feel like it was your fault.

Keeping friends for you is hard because you distance yourself from everyone because you are paranoid that they are going to get tired of you and annoyed with you.

And every night you lay awake in bed and recount every conversation you had that day and how you could have royal messed everything up with what you said or didn't say or did or felt or looked like. Even (especially) when nothing is wrong.

Texting is an art for you. Because if someone doesn't text you back right away, they are mad at you.

No matter what someone says, you are going to find deeper meaning and feel like they are mad at you or hate you or that you did something wrong.

Someone is upset or angry and you most likely feel responsible even if you have nothing to do with it.

Any time anything goes wrong that you are remotely involved in, you are definitely going to blame yourself, even if you had no control over the situation.

Idle time is your worst enemy because it lets you sit and think about everything you have ever done wrong (and I wish I was exaggerating).

Seeing the bright side in any situation is extremely difficult. No matter what, you always feel bad about how you've done on something or how a presentation went, even if it went fine. You are always the first to critique yourself.

School is a challenge. You probably get called a grade grubber or teachers pet because sometimes you feel that all you have are your grades. It's something you have control over and a direct reflection on yourself. When you get a B+, while most people are ecstatic, you are probably kicking yourself for not doing better.

Or you completely shut down and school falls to the wayside.

The idea that someone has subtweeted or subposted about you on any form of social media is a nightmare. Even if it's not about you, you probably feel like its about you.

You can't talk about death because suddenly your brain is filled with the infinite amount of ways you could die in that very moment.

Not everyone understands anxiety. But when you find someone who does, it's like a life preserver thrown out to you. You hold on and hold on because you know not everyone is like that.

People call it jealousy, but it's more like paranoia. You often think you'll be cheated on or that your friends will leave for other people because you aren't good enough anymore.

Love is hard. You constantly feel like you are not good enough (in many ways) and that the person you love feels the same way. You cling easily but trust and open up extremely slowly. You want to show them you love them, but the slightest dip in their voice or them not answering a question makes you feel like you've completely ruined the relationship.

Depression often comes along with it because of the self-loathing and paranoid feelings.

You constantly try to hide it because there are people who don't believe anxiety is real, or that everyone has it, or that you just have to deal with it better. Or that people will get scared by it and leave you. You don't want a lot of people to know because you don't want to be judged by it.
And so so much more.

And all of this leads you to self-combust. Every little thing pulls the same weight. It's self-destructive. People can tell you not to sweat the little things, and then you sweat more. People tell you it's irrational, and you know it's irrational but there is nothing you can do about it. But you try to smile and you try to explain and you try to only have panic attacks when there aren't others around because you still don't want to be a burden to those around you, because what if that makes you not good enough for them anymore?

Still Searching: Yes, I have Privilege. Let's do something with it.

The Oscar nominations came out today and I find myself in a puddle of emotions. And it makes me stare my privilege in the face.

Let's look at the snubs: most are women, women of color, or people of color in general. So basically, if you are a white male, you would be all set. And that is exactly what I am.

There is not a single woman nominated for direction, original or adapted screenplay, cinematography, original score, visual effects, or sound mixing. There isn't a single actor or actress of color nominated.

So, what I can do about it.

I can talk about it. Silence is not an option. I am in a field where representation is very one sided. The theatre and film industry has a severe lack of women represented, in roles written for them, directors, writers, etc. How many women playwrights can you name off the top of your head (and no cheating)? Tony winners for direction or writing? Best director Oscar winners that are women? How many great female parts are often turned into drag roles? Add "women of color" to those questions and try again. Before I took a class on women in the theatre, I could name maybe two female directors and two or three female playwrights. Which is sad, considering that I am a senior in college, studying theatre and have taken two theatre history classes plus NUMEROUS other classes that require reading many a play.  Kate Powers, a wonderful director, professor and human being, taught me that it is important to talk about it. We are simply furthering the problem if we stay silent.

I can do my best to change the problem. If I am in a place to do it, I can hire women directors and I can produce plays written by women. Have you ever heard of the play Water by the Spoonful by Quiara Alegria Hudes? I hadn't before taking Powers' class, but it's a beautiful play that deals with a lot of huge topics (i.e. addiction and PTSD). It won a Pulitzer in 2012. Yet, it is hardly produced. Hades is not a well recognized playwright even though she wrote the book for In the Heights.These are things, as a theatre artist, that I can change.

I know that I have a massive amount of privilege just from being white and from being male. I can't and won't ever deny that. But, I can try to change the representation in the theatre and film world if given the chance. I can speak up about it. I can make people aware because awareness can help breakdown barriers if people are willing to work at it.

EDIT:
Though, we should celebrate Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, who is the first Mexican born director nominated for a best director Academy Award.

Still Searching

Hello! I'm coming back to the blog world, and going to actively try to post about my life and what I am up too. I titled my blog "Still Searching" because there are many things I am still searching for; I'm searching for myself, for a greater purpose, for love, for pleasure, for reassurance, and for many other things. I intend to blog about my journey in my search for these things; the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. That is not to say I expect to find any of this, but I know I will make progress. I also intend to show you the things I love and love to do. Thanks for tagging along.

Much Love.