NOTE: Anxiety is different for each person who struggles with it. There are many different forms of anxiety and different ways to deal with it. This is how my anxiety has affected my life.
For those of you who know me, you know that anxiety is a huge part of my life, and has been for a very long time. I try my best to not let it define me and I try my best to keep it under control. The hardest part is having to explain what anxiety is, because I don't even really know myself. The dictionary defines anxiety as "a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome". While this definition starts to get at the very base, it barely scratches the surface.
The National Institute of Mental Health defines Generalized Anxiety Disorder as "All of us worry about things like health, money, or family problems. But people with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) are extremely worried about these and many other things, even when there is little or no reason to worry about them. They are very anxious about just getting through the day. They think things will always go badly. At times, worrying keeps people with GAD from doing everyday tasks."
This gets to it a little more, but still doesn't quite get there. I was talking to my mom about this over break and she asked me to define it. She said that she sees my posts of "lists of things that you should know about anxiety" or ones similar but she still doesn't understand what anxiety is. So here is a layman's list of what anxiety is to me.
Anxiety Is:
Not being able to get the mail after dark because of an irrational fear that something will pop out of the mailbox.
Not being able to make a decision because you are worried about how the outcome will affect you and others.
Sleeping with your wallet, cell phone, camera and anything else you find valuable just in case someone breaks in to your house in the middle of the night.
Checking to make sure no one is in the shower every time you go into the bathroom because it's happened in the movies one too many times.
Same goes for checking the back seat of your car before you drive, especially if you've been parked outside.
You can't get lost. It is literally the worst thing that could happen.
You refuse to go a way you are unfamiliar with because you don't want to get lost.
In fact, traveling at all is a problem. It means no sleep and tenseness because all you can think about is the many ways you could potentially die on your trip.
Getting a call from an unfamiliar number from your hometown is frightening because the only thing that pops to mind is that someone died or is really injured.
Dentist and other doctor's appointments are one of your own personal circles of hell because the news they could potentially give you is terrifying.
Minor OCD about things like clothes, dishes, cards, etc. And when things aren't in order, something is wrong.
Being late is not an option. People waiting for you makes you feel horrible.
Group projects are out because anything you do could affect another person's grade.
Or you end up taking control because if any little one thing goes wrong it's your fault.
You still blame yourself for that failed friendship 10 years ago.
In fact, while you lay awake at night, you recount every conversation you had with that person and painfully detail where it could have gone wrong...what you said or didn't say or did or felt or looked like, but no matter what, you feel like it was your fault.
Keeping friends for you is hard because you distance yourself from everyone because you are paranoid that they are going to get tired of you and annoyed with you.
And every night you lay awake in bed and recount every conversation you had that day and how you could have royal messed everything up with what you said or didn't say or did or felt or looked like. Even (especially) when nothing is wrong.
Texting is an art for you. Because if someone doesn't text you back right away, they are mad at you.
No matter what someone says, you are going to find deeper meaning and feel like they are mad at you or hate you or that you did something wrong.
Someone is upset or angry and you most likely feel responsible even if you have nothing to do with it.
Any time anything goes wrong that you are remotely involved in, you are definitely going to blame yourself, even if you had no control over the situation.
Idle time is your worst enemy because it lets you sit and think about everything you have ever done wrong (and I wish I was exaggerating).
Seeing the bright side in any situation is extremely difficult. No matter what, you always feel bad about how you've done on something or how a presentation went, even if it went fine. You are always the first to critique yourself.
School is a challenge. You probably get called a grade grubber or teachers pet because sometimes you feel that all you have are your grades. It's something you have control over and a direct reflection on yourself. When you get a B+, while most people are ecstatic, you are probably kicking yourself for not doing better.
Or you completely shut down and school falls to the wayside.
The idea that someone has subtweeted or subposted about you on any form of social media is a nightmare. Even if it's not about you, you probably feel like its about you.
You can't talk about death because suddenly your brain is filled with the infinite amount of ways you could die in that very moment.
Not everyone understands anxiety. But when you find someone who does, it's like a life preserver thrown out to you. You hold on and hold on because you know not everyone is like that.
People call it jealousy, but it's more like paranoia. You often think you'll be cheated on or that your friends will leave for other people because you aren't good enough anymore.
Love is hard. You constantly feel like you are not good enough (in many ways) and that the person you love feels the same way. You cling easily but trust and open up extremely slowly. You want to show them you love them, but the slightest dip in their voice or them not answering a question makes you feel like you've completely ruined the relationship.
Depression often comes along with it because of the self-loathing and paranoid feelings.
You constantly try to hide it because there are people who don't believe anxiety is real, or that everyone has it, or that you just have to deal with it better. Or that people will get scared by it and leave you. You don't want a lot of people to know because you don't want to be judged by it.
And so so much more.
And all of this leads you to self-combust. Every little thing pulls the same weight. It's self-destructive. People can tell you not to sweat the little things, and then you sweat more. People tell you it's irrational, and you know it's irrational but there is nothing you can do about it. But you try to smile and you try to explain and you try to only have panic attacks when there aren't others around because you still don't want to be a burden to those around you, because what if that makes you not good enough for them anymore?
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