A Halloween Reminder: A Lesson in Autonomy

Just a reminder that just because it is Halloween, you do not have permission to:

~Take pieces of people's costume without permission. This applies especially to pieces that are attached or in pockets. You must ask. You cannot just reach into someone's pocket at take something. This also applies to wands, tiaras, wigs, coats, accessorites (AKA everything).

~Play with people's costumes without permission: Do not grab their wings, play with their hair or head pieces, play with trains or long bottom pieces of the costume.

~Don't take people's picture without permission.

~Don't catcall people.

~Don't touch people because they are in costume: This applies to pinching cheeks, ass, or any other body parts, rubbing their back, playing with their hair, feeling their costume, etc.

Just ask permission. Just because it is Halloween, people do not give up their autonomy. They still have the right to govern their bodies how they chose. Remember that you don't know someone's situation and you don't know how uncomfortable they may be.

This applies to all age groups too...whether you have trick-or-treaters coming to your door, you are trick-or-treating, or are at some sort of costume party.

America has a Gun Problem, and we Need to Change That.

Note: I would really appreciate it you read this in its entirity before you comment on my position on gun control laws, thank you.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this recenetly. Before I get into it I want to make one thing explicitly clear from the start: I don't think guns are bad. I don't want to put an end to the second amendment. I don't think people who own guns are bad people.

But I do think America has a gun problem and I do think we need more/stronger gun restrictions. 

Being in London has given me a different angle on this situation. As the news broke of the tragic shooting at UCC, the people in London were shocked that America hasn't tightened laws in the past couple of years; especially seeing as America is averaging one school shooting a week this year alone. 

The UK (with the exception of Northern Ireland) has banned handguns following a school shooting (the first and last in the UK) in 1996. Since then, they have only had one mass shooting, period. Their police are normally unarmed (yet are trained and able to use them when necessary). From 2000/01 to 2010/11 only three police officers have been fatally shot. In the UK you may still own a rifle or shotgun with the proper liscensing, but the screening processes are intense.

I am not saying that America needs to adopt this policy. There is a differnt culture and the constitution lays out the right to bear arms,. 

So what can be done? 

There are way to tighten gun restrictions without taking away the right to bear arms. For instance, limiting the number of guns people can own, putting a longer wait period on getting a gun, raising the minimum age to own a gun, stronger mental health care, stronger laws getting black market guns out of the picture, banning assault weapons other than in the military, harsher punishment for gun violence and illegal gun possession, and strict enforcement of gun safetly. And that's just some.

I've been thinking about the arguements I've seen on facebook the past couple of days about gun violence/gun restrictions and I would just like to take a minute to break them down some, from my point of view. 

"People kill People": Yes, this is true. But I would argue that if someone tried to commit a mass murder with a knife they would get significantly less far than with a gun. Guns give the opportunity for a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Not to mention it is significantly easier to kill someone with a gun on accident than with a knife or blunt object having no extra training.

"We need stronger mental health care": WELL OBVIOUSLY. This is something people have been working on for years. But, there is a difference between neededing stronger mental health care and blaming mass shootings on "mental health issues". By blaming mental health we further stigmas of mental health issues and scare more people into not getting help. Roughly 1 in 5 Americans suffer from mental health disorders. Most don't have violent tendencies so let's nip that in the butt right now.

In a country that values our freedoms, as laid out in the constitution (yes, me too) we cannot argue that it was "written many many years ago" because then we need to be willing to give up all of our rights that we cherish.

I am a strong supporter of the right to bear arms, when, and only when it's appropriate (aka not just because we can). We do not have to take guns away to change our culture. But we do need to change the way we do things.

We CANNOT let this continue. We NEED stricter gun laws. We cannot pretend like this is not an issue any more. We cannot hope it isn't going to happen again because we've had over 140 school shootings since Sandy Hook in 2012. We have to change. We have to do something. We can't leave things as they are and expect them to change...that's one of the definitions of insanity (Thank you Stephen Colbert for that perfect sumation of insanity). 

Never Tell Someone to "Move On" When They Lose Someone They Love

These past two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I lost one of my best friends; a member of my OG squad. Someone that meant the world to me. Someone who left me notes in my dorm room when she visited. Someone who drew me pictures at camp to remind me that I was loved. Someone who googled Sandra Day O'Connor at 3am with me and neither one of us have a recollection of why.

Needless to say, this loss has been hard on me and hard on the other people who loved her just as much. It has dominated a lot of my thoughts, my decisions, my pictures, my tweets, and sometimes my conversations. And sometimes that's okay. Sometimes I need to talk about it and let it out. I want to remember the good times I've had with her and keep her memory alive.

Today, someone made a comment to me that it seemed to be all I talked about and that I should "move on" with my life. "You talk about it too much and it's annoying. What about the rest of us that are still here?" (exact words)

At first, I was angry and then I thought about it and thought that maybe this person was right. Do I pay attention to my other friends/family memembers lives?

But the more I sat on it, the more I realized how heinous this comment was.

While this has been a major part of my life recently, it's perfectly normal to still talk about it, and post pictures and miss her. She was a huge part of my life for 5 years. That will never change. She will always be the first friend I made at camp, my camp wife, my official Taco Bell Date, the person who approved all of my significant others, face timed with me so I didn't have to drive by myself, even though she couldn't hear half of what I was saying.

But, losing her made me realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. I've learned how to love harder, be more vocal with how I feel about people, say I love you more, hug tighter, and treat each moment as a gift. I now remind people that they are important to me, reach out to people when times are tough and just say I love you because that's all you can do. I try harder to be there for people, praise their accomplishments, help them up if they fall, or bash their exes because that's what they need. I hold them a little tighter on the bad days, I try harder to be there for them when they need me becasue it has taught me about my priorities.

And most of all, I love unconditionally. I give all my love to those I love because every moment I get with them is a gift, a gift that can be taken at any moment.

So yes, I will still talk about her, and yes, when I find pictures she's drawn for me or vines of us driving on the grass, or pictures of the two of us I will post them on social media, and yes, I will tweet that I still miss her and think about her, and yes I will visit her everytime I'm home, and yes I will definitely hold her memory close to my heart. I will still be reminded of her everytime I drive because she helped name her. I will think of her every time I pass a Taco Bell because we used to celebrate TBT (Taco Bell Thursday). I will get her handwriting tattooed on my arm as a constant physical reminder that she is always with me. I will talk to her when I drive. I will see her in the sunset and in McDonald's french fries. Wing Night will always be date night.

But I will never move on.

When you lose someone you love, you shouldn't ever move on. Grief stays with you for a long time and manifests in many ways. And somedays seem easier while other's make you want to sleep all day.

So please be cautious when talking with people. Remember how words affect everyone differently, just as loss does and remember that it is okay to keep their memory alive while you keep living.

Get Over it....A Poem About Anxiety

So as you guys know, I tend to talk about anxiety a lot because it is something that is very important to me.

The other day I was having a panic attack and someone said to me "Oh get over it, it's just anxiety" which only made it worse.  I didn't really know how to respond to it, so I started writing and writing and ended up writing this poem to explain how I was feeling in that moment.

It's called "Get Over It".

A reminder that all people handle anxiety differently and each case is unique, but this has been my experience with it. For a long time it was something I didn't want to talk about, but now I feel like I have to talk about it if I want people to understand.

Here are some of my tips for handling anxiety.

1. Always ask what the person needs. Never assume they want to be held or want water or whatever the case may be. You should be cautious to what they need.

2. Remember being anxious is different than anxiety. Often feeling anxious is manageable while having anxiety becomes reckless and uncontrollable.

3. Yes it isn't logical and yes I know that so you telling me that isn't helping. I get it. I should be able to calm down, but I can't and I don't need you to remind me of it.

4. Please don't refer to it as "just anxiety". That makes me feel super conscious that I am ruining something or being a burden, only making my anxiety worse.

5. Please don't point it out to everyone around you. I really don'y want a ton of people around and already am embarrassed if I'm in public.

6. "You'll be fine" , "Calm Down" "Shhh" and baby talk are not helping the situation.

7. Please try not to say I understand because even with other people who have anxiety, every situation is unique.

8. Just be as comforting as possible and try to do whatever you can.

9. Never make yourself uncomfortable. If you can't handle it in that moment or in that situation, that's okay. Self-protection is important!

10. Let's talk the next day. Check in, see how I'm doing, try to find out what happened, but if I don't want to talk, please try not to push. It goes from helpful to harmful.

Those seem very particular and they are. Those are just tips for if you see me having anxiety, but once again every situation is different.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and talk about anxiety. It's important.

And Then I Stopped Talking About It: My Privilege Kept Me Quiet

Many of us have been shaken by the video that emerged from the pool party in McKinney, Texas this weekend. If you haven't seen it, here is the link, but fair warning, it's pretty graphic (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpWP8aMcOo8).

While I could go on and on talking about the many problems in this video, I really want to focus on something a little different. Privilege. This has gotten me staring in the eyes of my privilege, questioning how I can use it to make a difference.

Like most young adults, social media is a major part of my life. When I first saw this video on Sunday night, I immediately shared in on my Facebook and tweeted that I was horrified.

And then I stopped talking about it.

All of Monday, I worked. I worked on spreadsheets, I bar tended, I watch the US vs. Australia women's soccer game, I watched the Blackhawks play the Lightning, and all throughout this, I was active on social media. Here are just some the posts I made:

I sent the following link to a friend:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/rugby-war-goddess#.otzzWNNMm2

Thing I worried about:

-the Pad Thai I wanted for lunch, 

-whether or not I would get wet when I walked outside and if it would ruin my computer.

-someone not texting me back. 

-baby pandas not making it to the tree in a youtube video

-who would win a hockey game. 

Here is what I didn't worry about:

-Getting thrown to the ground and being held down by a man twice my size

-Walking through Target and getting followed

-Seeing a cop and feeling like I've done something wrong just for being there

-Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, even if I was invited there 

So why didn't I worry about these things? It's simple, really.

I didn't have to. 

I don't have to. I will never understand what it's like to feel those things or to worry about those things because of the color of my skin. There may be instances in my life where I'm put into one of these situations, yes, but it is not an every day fear I have. And if I ever do find myself in a position like this, it will never be because of the color of my skin.

If I was there, at that pool party, I would have been treated like the white teen filming the whole incident. The one who was also clearly ignoring police instructions to stay on the other side of the road, yet was allowed to roam free and video tape. Never once was he touched, forced to the ground or handcuffed. Never once was he questioned by, or used to make an example by that officer. 

So what can I do about it? I'm not sure. I know I can recognize it and that is the first step. But it's using that privilege to do something that matters. 

Instead of making the obligatory post with the video and my outrage at the situation and a single tweet about how horrified I was, I should have kept talking about it.

Instead of tweeting about how much anxiety read receipts give me, I should have tweeted about how much anxiety Dejerria Becton had and would continue to have.

Instead of tweeting about not being able to sleep I should have tweeted about the nightmares these teenagers who had a gun pulled on them would have for the rest of their lives.

Instead of links about women's rugby I should have shared the links talking about how race was a major player in this incident. 

Instead of staying silent, I should have kept talking. 

An Open Letter to the Man Who Called Me Princess at the Bar

Not too long ago, me and my friends were throwing a going away party for our friend at her favorite bar before she moved away for her job. It was a bit crowded and I was trying to get from the door to the table my friends were positioned at. On my way I tapped a lady on the shoulder and said excuse me but she didn't hear me so I said it again and her friend, grabbed her arm and said "Make way, Gay Princess coming through". She moved aside and laughed and I made my way to the bar.

Now, I normally don't pay any attention to comments that are made like that but this one really irked me. I couldn't let it go all night and have been thinking of all sorts of things I would like to say to that man. 

To the man who called me a princess at the bar,

First of all, thank you. I'm glad you noticed the air of dignity and importance that I carry around with me at all times. If my posture was impeccable and my manners superb, I'm glad you caught on to the fact that I am indeed royalty. And I didn't even have to wear my tiara. 

I guess my dead giveaway was the pink bandanna I had tied around my head, clearly a sign of a "gay princess". If you hadn't noticed, all my friends two tables over (my ladies in waiting) were all wearing matching ones. 

I guess you weren't thinking when you addressed me, as you forgot to bow to me and address me as your excellency as I passed by you. But I guess I shouldn't expect anything more from a poor peasant who only drinks Miller lite. 

Now let's set one thing straight, no matter who runs the royal court, it is not your place nor mine to comment on someone that we don't know, especially when making assumptions about complete strangers. I don't know if you didn't think I would hear you or if you thought I wouldn't care, but I wanted you to know that I did hear you and I do care.

Why does it matter, you may ask.

Because ignorance is what still keeps frightened teenagers in the closet. The closet is a safe space where they are free to be themselves without fear of being belittled and called names when trying to make their way through a bar. Perhaps "gay princess" was the jeer that they heard every day from the kids they went to high school with, or that they found scrawled across their gym locker junior year or even from their own father as they found each day they went on living harder and harder and more and more dangerous. 

It is what makes it so difficult for athletes to come out because we make a huge celebration of something that should be normalized and then make fun of the way they kick, or throw the ball and drop them from two teams and then from life all together. 

It's what makes people suppress and suppress until they feel like they are no longer worth the fight and they attempt to take their own life and either succeed or fail and realize that they have to keep going in a world that does not accept them. 

It matters because it's small comments like this that people hear everyday that make it not safe and not okay to be who they are and to express themselves the way they want too.

I'm sorry if my pink bandanna offended you on a personal level or if because I said excuse me instead of pushing my way through your friends gave you some personal vendetta against me. 

But please think before you speak because your words have a huge effect on those around you. When you see someone in a bar who may not look like your man's man, let's start by respecting those who can express themselves and try everyday to be strong and let words like your's roll off their backs and not take them back to a place where they are not welcome.

Sincerely,

Andrew

Why We Need #QuestionsForMen or Right, Because Casual Sexism Doesn't Exist

So the hash tag "#questionsformen" is trending. From what I understand, this hash tag, started by Clementine Ford, was put out into the world on the basis that most hardships that women face in day to day life stem from male oppression/casual sexism. I would argue that this is extremely true.

And if you think for a second that casual sexism doesn't exist, you should just stop reading this now. Because I don't even  have the time to explain to you how wrong you are.

I woke up this morning on all across my Facebook feed were people saying how they have never had as much attention, and negative attention, from a single tweet. So I looked at these tweets and they are my friends sharing their stories and experiences just trying to show the casual sexism that exists in our world and how they've faced it in their day to day lives.

So I wanted to see what would happen if I posted on this hash tag. I tweeted "#Questionsformen Why is it okay for you to attack people for posting their stories? Why is ok for you to say they are lying?" because I really wanted to know.What gives anyone permission to attack another human being for something that happened TO them. What makes it okay to say that something that happened TO someone is a lie? People aren't looking for sympathy. They are showing the extreme double standards in our society and the extreme casual sexism that exists.

And guess what...by attacking them for it on social media, you are only making it worse. You are proving exactly what they are showing  So in a way Thank you? Because your ignorance is showing exactly what the problem is. You are preaching "Not All Men" yet are being the men that are oppressing women for speaking out on something that is important to them. The double standard shows that hardships that women are facing, and it shows how most of these hardships are because of men. To not be able to share your story because you are afraid that MEN are going to attack you for it. I mean, that doesn't sound like anything else that happens everyday...definitely not like people being scared to report sexual assault or rape cases because of how men around them will react and stigmatize them.

Let me be clear: Men do get raped and do get sexually assaulted. Men do face hardships in life as well. But most of, if not all of those, are not because they are a man and not because of females.They are because of actions they take, words they say, ways they act, etc. They get mad at the systemic hardships they have...the system that was created by white men. The system that gives white men an extremely higher amount of privilege than any other group of people.

So let me leave you with one last #questionformen: When are we going to grow up, stop blaming generalization, recognize our privilege and use it to do something instead of attacking people on social media for the sole purpose of "not all men"?