Where are All the Bullies?

We are constantly hearing about cases of bullying all over the world. Constantly hearing of children mocked for their weight, sexuality, grades, skin, off brand clothes or whatever the “sin” of the day is.

It seems that many of us were the victims of playground torment (or in some cases, much much worse).

But where are all the bullies? Where are these casual tormentors?

Well, one of them is right here.  I was one of those kids who made someone (or many someones) else’s life miserable.

I am not proud of it and I have no excuses for what I’ve done.

But I am sorry.  I am genuinely sorry for my words and actions to those I felt I had power over.

I’m sorry if my words are the words you have burned into your memory or if I made coming to school everyday a challenge.

However, I can’t take it back.

That’s the thing with words; once they are said, they exist. There is no way for them to disappear. And to be honest, that’s why we use them, or at least I do. Words have a lasting sting and can be our most violent weapon. The saying goes sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  And as much as I want that to be true, we all know that it’s not; thick-skinned or not, words get built into our identities, brick by brick, building walls that take years to scale.

And it’s not okay.

If we are going to start to tackle this bullying epidemic, it is not enough to share our stories of our own torment and consistently say, “It gets better”.  That is not helpful. All it does is show that things haven’t changed. Things haven’t gotten better. While they might have gotten better for you, clearly bullying hasn’t changed (or has changed for the worse).

We have to condemn the actions and how can we condemn something we’ve taken part in without admitting to ourselves that we are a part of the problem?

It’s hard to say I was a bully. It’s hard to look at yourself and admit that you were wrong. Especially years later. It’s easy to sit there and think, oh they’ve gotten over it by now. And even if they have, it doesn’t make it okay.

We have to take responsibility for our part in fostering an environment where bullying can exist; whether you were the aggressor, the one who laughed along with your friends, or the one who didn’t say anything when you saw something that you knew wasn’t right.

We must be more conscious. We must be more honest in our conversations about bullying. We must understand that we’ve created this epidemic, it didn’t just appear out of nothing; it come to be from denial, lack of responsibility, and carelessness.

Only then can we start to take action.

Mental Health Stigmatization: We Are The Problem

Today I had a real talk with my friend Sarah about mental illness and how frustrating it is when people misuse terms that are very real to people who suffer from severe mental health issues.

When we (yes, I am definitely guilty of this as well) use these phrases, not only do we completely ignore the actual issue at hand but we learn to gloss over the real problems that people face. By misusing, and over using, these phrases we are lessening the severity of the issues and further stigmatizing mental health in a society where we can't seem to stop.

This is really important to me because as I've written about before, I really struggle with a severe anxiety disorder and depression. And when I hear these things I feel like my mental health is a joke, which only makes it harder for me to both seek help and talk about what is often going on with me. It makes it even more upsetting to me that I find myself saying some of these things when I don't mean them. It is something that I really want to work on and want to invite you to join me in.

Here are SOME (not even close to all) of the phrases that I am talking about: (and of course, these phrases have appropriate uses, as in you actually feel a way or are struggling with said mental illness)

"I'm going to need therapy after this"--It's one of those phrases we find funny. But going to therapy is hard enough as it is. To joke about it only makes it that much harder.

"I'm so ADD/ADHD/OCD right now"--We do not all have these mental illness, but if we all suffered from them to the extent of which we wrongly use these terms the world would be a scary place. We all have trouble focusing, we all get restless, we all like things to be in some degree of order, but these mental health issues are more severe than that and by using them in such common place, we invalidate those who actually suffer from them.

"I had an anxiety attack over it"--This one is really hard. It is totally possible to have anxiety about something without having an anxiety disorder. But Anxiety attacks normally only happen if you suffer from an anxiety disorder. It's important to know the difference.

"I'd rather kill myself"--Using this phrase is highly problematic yet most of us have said it. Of course we don't mean that we would rather take our own life than do some activity or go somewhere or talk to someone, yet that is exactly what we say. When we over hear this phrase it gives us permission to not take people seriously when they say that and we also start laughing at it. Suicide is no laughing matter, as we all know, yet we are quick to giggle when it's used off-handedly.

"I'm so depressed"--used a lot to mean very sad. But depression is so much more than sadness. It's something that eats at you and slowly takes away who you are. So when people say they are so depressed about something, it allows us to see depression as something less than the disease it actually is.

"It gave me a panic attack"--Did it? Or did it make you nervous? Because those are two very different things. Panic attacks are disabling bouts of severe anxiety. Getting nervous (or even really nervous) over something is not a panic attack.

We tend to see these phrases as harmless since they are so commonplace in our conversations.

But if we really want to fight stigmatization we have to stop using them so nonchalantly.

I am pledging to cut these words/phrases out of my vocabulary (accept when they are true ). Will you join me?

A Halloween Reminder: A Lesson in Autonomy

Just a reminder that just because it is Halloween, you do not have permission to:

~Take pieces of people's costume without permission. This applies especially to pieces that are attached or in pockets. You must ask. You cannot just reach into someone's pocket at take something. This also applies to wands, tiaras, wigs, coats, accessorites (AKA everything).

~Play with people's costumes without permission: Do not grab their wings, play with their hair or head pieces, play with trains or long bottom pieces of the costume.

~Don't take people's picture without permission.

~Don't catcall people.

~Don't touch people because they are in costume: This applies to pinching cheeks, ass, or any other body parts, rubbing their back, playing with their hair, feeling their costume, etc.

Just ask permission. Just because it is Halloween, people do not give up their autonomy. They still have the right to govern their bodies how they chose. Remember that you don't know someone's situation and you don't know how uncomfortable they may be.

This applies to all age groups too...whether you have trick-or-treaters coming to your door, you are trick-or-treating, or are at some sort of costume party.

America has a Gun Problem, and we Need to Change That.

Note: I would really appreciate it you read this in its entirity before you comment on my position on gun control laws, thank you.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this recenetly. Before I get into it I want to make one thing explicitly clear from the start: I don't think guns are bad. I don't want to put an end to the second amendment. I don't think people who own guns are bad people.

But I do think America has a gun problem and I do think we need more/stronger gun restrictions. 

Being in London has given me a different angle on this situation. As the news broke of the tragic shooting at UCC, the people in London were shocked that America hasn't tightened laws in the past couple of years; especially seeing as America is averaging one school shooting a week this year alone. 

The UK (with the exception of Northern Ireland) has banned handguns following a school shooting (the first and last in the UK) in 1996. Since then, they have only had one mass shooting, period. Their police are normally unarmed (yet are trained and able to use them when necessary). From 2000/01 to 2010/11 only three police officers have been fatally shot. In the UK you may still own a rifle or shotgun with the proper liscensing, but the screening processes are intense.

I am not saying that America needs to adopt this policy. There is a differnt culture and the constitution lays out the right to bear arms,. 

So what can be done? 

There are way to tighten gun restrictions without taking away the right to bear arms. For instance, limiting the number of guns people can own, putting a longer wait period on getting a gun, raising the minimum age to own a gun, stronger mental health care, stronger laws getting black market guns out of the picture, banning assault weapons other than in the military, harsher punishment for gun violence and illegal gun possession, and strict enforcement of gun safetly. And that's just some.

I've been thinking about the arguements I've seen on facebook the past couple of days about gun violence/gun restrictions and I would just like to take a minute to break them down some, from my point of view. 

"People kill People": Yes, this is true. But I would argue that if someone tried to commit a mass murder with a knife they would get significantly less far than with a gun. Guns give the opportunity for a lot of damage in a short amount of time. Not to mention it is significantly easier to kill someone with a gun on accident than with a knife or blunt object having no extra training.

"We need stronger mental health care": WELL OBVIOUSLY. This is something people have been working on for years. But, there is a difference between neededing stronger mental health care and blaming mass shootings on "mental health issues". By blaming mental health we further stigmas of mental health issues and scare more people into not getting help. Roughly 1 in 5 Americans suffer from mental health disorders. Most don't have violent tendencies so let's nip that in the butt right now.

In a country that values our freedoms, as laid out in the constitution (yes, me too) we cannot argue that it was "written many many years ago" because then we need to be willing to give up all of our rights that we cherish.

I am a strong supporter of the right to bear arms, when, and only when it's appropriate (aka not just because we can). We do not have to take guns away to change our culture. But we do need to change the way we do things.

We CANNOT let this continue. We NEED stricter gun laws. We cannot pretend like this is not an issue any more. We cannot hope it isn't going to happen again because we've had over 140 school shootings since Sandy Hook in 2012. We have to change. We have to do something. We can't leave things as they are and expect them to change...that's one of the definitions of insanity (Thank you Stephen Colbert for that perfect sumation of insanity). 

Never Tell Someone to "Move On" When They Lose Someone They Love

These past two months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I lost one of my best friends; a member of my OG squad. Someone that meant the world to me. Someone who left me notes in my dorm room when she visited. Someone who drew me pictures at camp to remind me that I was loved. Someone who googled Sandra Day O'Connor at 3am with me and neither one of us have a recollection of why.

Needless to say, this loss has been hard on me and hard on the other people who loved her just as much. It has dominated a lot of my thoughts, my decisions, my pictures, my tweets, and sometimes my conversations. And sometimes that's okay. Sometimes I need to talk about it and let it out. I want to remember the good times I've had with her and keep her memory alive.

Today, someone made a comment to me that it seemed to be all I talked about and that I should "move on" with my life. "You talk about it too much and it's annoying. What about the rest of us that are still here?" (exact words)

At first, I was angry and then I thought about it and thought that maybe this person was right. Do I pay attention to my other friends/family memembers lives?

But the more I sat on it, the more I realized how heinous this comment was.

While this has been a major part of my life recently, it's perfectly normal to still talk about it, and post pictures and miss her. She was a huge part of my life for 5 years. That will never change. She will always be the first friend I made at camp, my camp wife, my official Taco Bell Date, the person who approved all of my significant others, face timed with me so I didn't have to drive by myself, even though she couldn't hear half of what I was saying.

But, losing her made me realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. I've learned how to love harder, be more vocal with how I feel about people, say I love you more, hug tighter, and treat each moment as a gift. I now remind people that they are important to me, reach out to people when times are tough and just say I love you because that's all you can do. I try harder to be there for people, praise their accomplishments, help them up if they fall, or bash their exes because that's what they need. I hold them a little tighter on the bad days, I try harder to be there for them when they need me becasue it has taught me about my priorities.

And most of all, I love unconditionally. I give all my love to those I love because every moment I get with them is a gift, a gift that can be taken at any moment.

So yes, I will still talk about her, and yes, when I find pictures she's drawn for me or vines of us driving on the grass, or pictures of the two of us I will post them on social media, and yes, I will tweet that I still miss her and think about her, and yes I will visit her everytime I'm home, and yes I will definitely hold her memory close to my heart. I will still be reminded of her everytime I drive because she helped name her. I will think of her every time I pass a Taco Bell because we used to celebrate TBT (Taco Bell Thursday). I will get her handwriting tattooed on my arm as a constant physical reminder that she is always with me. I will talk to her when I drive. I will see her in the sunset and in McDonald's french fries. Wing Night will always be date night.

But I will never move on.

When you lose someone you love, you shouldn't ever move on. Grief stays with you for a long time and manifests in many ways. And somedays seem easier while other's make you want to sleep all day.

So please be cautious when talking with people. Remember how words affect everyone differently, just as loss does and remember that it is okay to keep their memory alive while you keep living.

Get Over it....A Poem About Anxiety

So as you guys know, I tend to talk about anxiety a lot because it is something that is very important to me.

The other day I was having a panic attack and someone said to me "Oh get over it, it's just anxiety" which only made it worse.  I didn't really know how to respond to it, so I started writing and writing and ended up writing this poem to explain how I was feeling in that moment.

It's called "Get Over It".

A reminder that all people handle anxiety differently and each case is unique, but this has been my experience with it. For a long time it was something I didn't want to talk about, but now I feel like I have to talk about it if I want people to understand.

Here are some of my tips for handling anxiety.

1. Always ask what the person needs. Never assume they want to be held or want water or whatever the case may be. You should be cautious to what they need.

2. Remember being anxious is different than anxiety. Often feeling anxious is manageable while having anxiety becomes reckless and uncontrollable.

3. Yes it isn't logical and yes I know that so you telling me that isn't helping. I get it. I should be able to calm down, but I can't and I don't need you to remind me of it.

4. Please don't refer to it as "just anxiety". That makes me feel super conscious that I am ruining something or being a burden, only making my anxiety worse.

5. Please don't point it out to everyone around you. I really don'y want a ton of people around and already am embarrassed if I'm in public.

6. "You'll be fine" , "Calm Down" "Shhh" and baby talk are not helping the situation.

7. Please try not to say I understand because even with other people who have anxiety, every situation is unique.

8. Just be as comforting as possible and try to do whatever you can.

9. Never make yourself uncomfortable. If you can't handle it in that moment or in that situation, that's okay. Self-protection is important!

10. Let's talk the next day. Check in, see how I'm doing, try to find out what happened, but if I don't want to talk, please try not to push. It goes from helpful to harmful.

Those seem very particular and they are. Those are just tips for if you see me having anxiety, but once again every situation is different.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and talk about anxiety. It's important.

And Then I Stopped Talking About It: My Privilege Kept Me Quiet

Many of us have been shaken by the video that emerged from the pool party in McKinney, Texas this weekend. If you haven't seen it, here is the link, but fair warning, it's pretty graphic (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpWP8aMcOo8).

While I could go on and on talking about the many problems in this video, I really want to focus on something a little different. Privilege. This has gotten me staring in the eyes of my privilege, questioning how I can use it to make a difference.

Like most young adults, social media is a major part of my life. When I first saw this video on Sunday night, I immediately shared in on my Facebook and tweeted that I was horrified.

And then I stopped talking about it.

All of Monday, I worked. I worked on spreadsheets, I bar tended, I watch the US vs. Australia women's soccer game, I watched the Blackhawks play the Lightning, and all throughout this, I was active on social media. Here are just some the posts I made:

I sent the following link to a friend:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/rugby-war-goddess#.otzzWNNMm2

Thing I worried about:

-the Pad Thai I wanted for lunch, 

-whether or not I would get wet when I walked outside and if it would ruin my computer.

-someone not texting me back. 

-baby pandas not making it to the tree in a youtube video

-who would win a hockey game. 

Here is what I didn't worry about:

-Getting thrown to the ground and being held down by a man twice my size

-Walking through Target and getting followed

-Seeing a cop and feeling like I've done something wrong just for being there

-Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, even if I was invited there 

So why didn't I worry about these things? It's simple, really.

I didn't have to. 

I don't have to. I will never understand what it's like to feel those things or to worry about those things because of the color of my skin. There may be instances in my life where I'm put into one of these situations, yes, but it is not an every day fear I have. And if I ever do find myself in a position like this, it will never be because of the color of my skin.

If I was there, at that pool party, I would have been treated like the white teen filming the whole incident. The one who was also clearly ignoring police instructions to stay on the other side of the road, yet was allowed to roam free and video tape. Never once was he touched, forced to the ground or handcuffed. Never once was he questioned by, or used to make an example by that officer. 

So what can I do about it? I'm not sure. I know I can recognize it and that is the first step. But it's using that privilege to do something that matters. 

Instead of making the obligatory post with the video and my outrage at the situation and a single tweet about how horrified I was, I should have kept talking about it.

Instead of tweeting about how much anxiety read receipts give me, I should have tweeted about how much anxiety Dejerria Becton had and would continue to have.

Instead of tweeting about not being able to sleep I should have tweeted about the nightmares these teenagers who had a gun pulled on them would have for the rest of their lives.

Instead of links about women's rugby I should have shared the links talking about how race was a major player in this incident. 

Instead of staying silent, I should have kept talking.